I don't think I've ever had a fit the likes of which I just experienced. You see, I spent my entire day off working on a new digital piece. I haven't inked digitally in a while, so I thought it would be a good idea to get a better handle on it by doing this new piece. Y'see, it takes me a long time to ink digitally because I use OC and sketch out thick lines and erase where necessary. Stupid, but it's how I roll. And then during the Tonight Show I kept saving it on commercials, since Windows has been crashing a lot lately. Well towards the end of the show I saved and turned back to the TV...only for Windows to crash while the file was saving. Immediately I had flashbacks of two years ago, when I was working on this thing I'd had in progress for a few months, when stupidly I had to restart for an iTunes update and was saving...and the file was corrupted. I never forgave myself. In a worried haste, I opened OC when the computer came back on....and the thing I'd spent all day on was corrupted. I burst into hysterical tears and screams for a half an hour. I only just now got my wits together to quickly google corrupted file repair and submit an inquiry. Shit. And today was going so nicely too.

The hysterical laughing/crying/screaming/heaving I just experienced was more than just the sorrow of losing a precious art-child to the horrors of the digital world; it was a compilation of how I've felt about my life in general lately. This was just the straw that broke the artist's nerve. Despite being in utter isolation for weeks, I've been more insecure than ever. Working out feels like it does nothing, I feel no better about my self-image. Drawing daily only shows me my complete weaknesses as an artist and tells me I'll never get better. I just...hate myself so much lately. And it's difficult to admit to the general public. I can't find any redeemable qualities in myself anymore. I'm faster to compliment my enemies than myself. I feel so messed up. I can't make friends, I can't keep the friends I've already made, I can't draw/cook/write/speak to people/get thin/be pretty/make enough money, I have so many ambitions that I feel like I'll never meet. And the fact that I was trying really hard today on something I liked, and felt ambitious enough to think, "Yeah, I can do it, this is great!" And then all my hours of hard work just crumbled in my fingers...I just felt like I snapped. Everything has been welling up inside with no release for months now, and it's driving me insane. Just please...let me work on something that makes me happy for a change. I miss happy. And I hate feeling that I don't deserve feeling as depressed as I do. That's probably why I don't share.

For those that like to skip the sad stuff, I'm getting back into bento-making. I got interested in it a year ago, and I never really had a chance to have any fun with it. I so want to get this Alice in Wonderland bento box along with this onigiri bento box, but there's no time I'd really get a chance to use a cute boxed lunch. I'm always near a kitchen. However, that won't sway me this time. I'm fixed. Today I made onigiri with a dried cranberry filling, an holy cats, they were so good. So I'll keep updating my bento adventures. Especially because I want to get better at baking, so tiny baked goods sounds great. I suck at cooking, but baking I love.